Goddess

Here’s the thing… I’m on my 9th life. I have lived so many lives that I try to just leave behind and even thinking about them makes me want to throw up. I have lived a lot of life for a 23-year-old. Yeah, I may be young, but I am what they call an “old soul.” Didn’t happen on my terms, but you make the best out of every situation. Who you are getting to know right now is not who I was 1 year ago. I am completely different person, completely for the best. Who says you only live once?

    For a long time, I was who I was told to be. You are born into the world and immediately you have expectations placed on you from others, from society, from loved ones. It happens. However, doesn’t it just cause so much strife? You realize after a while that you aren’t what they say you are. You want to be your own person, but things are inhibiting your growth and your difference. You begin to change, and the world isn’t ready for that. So, it tries to keep you tamed, only to realize after a while that it’s starting to affect you in all kinds of ways. You want to break free, but how?

    It’s a lonely process. At least it was for me. Ever since I was little little, I actually knew who I wanted to be. It’s kind of like a part of you knows what you are meant to be all along, and you’ve just kind of stopped listening to it in the name of practically and expectations. When I started to feel the need to change, nobody liked it. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. You just kind of get thrown into this process and it forces you to evolve or stay the same. I have never been one to back down from a fight; I am very competitive. So, I do what they say I can’t. It’s in my nature. I evolved. And I am still evolving.

    Little me knew. She’s always known a lot. Even baby me knew, strutting around the house with my sunglasses and mom’s heels like I own the place, because I do. It has always been a part of me, and anyone who knows me knows that is so true. I am getting to a point in my life where I can finally get to go back to that little girl’s spirit. She’s wiser than I gave her credit for, kind of befitting to realize my name is Athena. 

    My transition was a difficult one. Cognitive distortions told me everyone would judge me, hate me, and desert me. But then I realized that the right people stayed. The right people embraced my change and welcomed me with open arms. I never knew love like that, and I was genuinely surprised. It gave me the confidence I needed to keep going. I still fear being made fun of, talked about, and ridiculed. But what do they know? And is it any of their business? They don’t know the struggle it took to get here. They barely even know me. And if you think you do, you’re absolutely wrong. But go on a keep guessing.

    I am now who I was made to be. I am creating her whilst finding her at the same time. It’s like a homecoming. It’s a celebration. Party of 1 sometimes, but that’s normal in a growing stage. Growing pains and healing can be so lonely. You are shedding and leaving behind who you thought you were and where you thought you were going. Like a snake, I am new. Like a butterfly, I am out of my cocoon. Am I being too vague? I hope you stick around to hear the rest of my story, because it’s a wild one. Welcome to my corner of the world, I hope you get comfy and enjoy it here.

-A