Goddess

hurt beyond words

pain that lasts a lifetime

how much longer will it last

i bear it another day

to hopefully see it pass

those who gave me life

took it away

just the same

yearning to be seen

yet burned my their eyes

vulnerable to a tee

yet lonely all the time

• • •

cuánto tiempo más

será varios días

horas o minutos

no lo sé

pero se que este dolor es pesado

lloro y lloro

pero no mejora

• • •

triggered and overstimulated

i roll with the punches

so as not to upset anyone

i remain quiet

to not disturb the peace

moving silently

so they don’t notice me

why do they treat me so?

am i that horrid of a person to love

to treat well

to treat kindly

the care i give others is withheld from me

perhaps i’m giving it to the wrong people

perhaps i should withhold my love

and not give it so freely

maybe i should be pickier

and not hold out my empty cup

yearning for love

i desire friendship

loved ones who will prioritize you

who won’t forget about you

who care about how you feel

who go the extra mile

just to see you smile

i don’t have that

i never have

and after so long

you start to question yourself

“whats wrong with me?”

“where did i go wrong?”

• • •

i trace the root

investigate the pain

it all comes down to you

those who brought me into this world

traumatized me so

i wish you had killed me

i was cursed the day i was born

i may sound suicidal

but i’m not

i don’t desire to take my life

i desire it for it never to have existed

you should’ve killed me in the womb

you never wanted me anyway

the years i lost to grief & trauma

the tears i cried alone in my room

no apology will ever take that away

no amount of niceties will make me forget

i wish for amnesia

for a new beginning

to forget all that was

i tried overdosing

& it didn’t work

i awoke to this life yet again

i feel like Job

cursed & abused

alone & confused

i spent years on my knees

at the altar

with my eyes closed

head bowed

praying & praying

for this pain to ease & subside

yet god never saved me

no amount of worship

no amount of obedience

was ever worthy enough to feel peace

how i wish we were 5th dimensional beings

where time has no bounds

i would go back

end my life before it even began

i stay in this day dream

for as long as i please

pretending i don’t exist

& feel no pain

this is comforting

first time i’ve felt peace

i come back down

& face reality

again & again

curse me