Goddess

oddest of dreams last night

my soft waking sound saved me at just the right time

in the middle of a bad date

she raised her voice at me

demanded to see my phone

when i would never hide anything from my partner

would have gladly shown her if it wasn’t the first date

what a nightmare

because my true partnership would never mistrust me in the first place

u know, this makes me think about my 2025 relationship

the one that lasted all but 5 months

i did not trust the girl so i looked through her phone

without fail i saw things i did not like

i remember thinking to myself,

“who am i to be in a relationship where i don’t trust my partner

& where i have to look through her phone?”

took me a little while longer but i finally did walk away

i thought, if she could lie about being married, what else is she hiding?

an odd closeness with her coworker/best friend

photos & texts between them

shit-talking me with her sister

posts about her & her ex privated on tiktok instead of deleted,

all while in a relationship with me

DMs from girls on tiktok she responded to

this girl has no shame

& i will never put myself in a situation where i hold no trust for my person

i will never again have to look through a phone,

ask odd questions,

& genuinely feel at such unease around her

because i remember the day vividly that i read the message from her ex

warning me who i was in a relationship with

someone who is married without having disclosed it to me

& someone who wears a promise ring an ex from years ago got her

my stomach dropped

i felt so stupid

but i immediately knew she was telling the truth

i wished i had listened to my intuition about entrapping myself with this girl

because from week 1, i knew we weren’t a match

how sad, truly

i was so deprived of love, i held on

knowing full well we were not aligned

but giving myself a chance at love anyway

i should preface i no longer blame myself

i used to, emphasizing i saw it coming

but in truth i could not have foretold half of what transpired

no one would be the wiser

my intuition was, absolutely

but Athena just wanted love, & this girl promised it

she promised growth, change, devotion

promised me love i had never received

promised to be my safe space

when soon enough she was anything but 

she cracked & i saw her true colors

i mourned my time lost & adoration i had for this girl actively hurting me

we trauma-bonded & i was never the same

treated me worse than my own father, how dare u?

how dare i allow it…

but this is not about my self-betrayal

i forgive Athena

she put her heart on the line,

loved hard, cared big

i could never fault that, not anymore

it is u i blame, for u knew exactly who u were

exactly the partner u could not be for me

yet u mislead me, u lied

all to be worthy enough of someone like me

u knew if u had been completely & utterly honest with me, 

i would never have given u the time of day

so that is what i fell for, pretty words & pretty lies

a misguided trap

i am wiser now for it

& i will never fall for it again