Goddess

they say grief is love enduring

not only do we grieve those lost to us through death,

we grieve the loss of a presence who is very much alive

yet might as well be dead to us

the love part, well…

how can we love something that hurt us in deep ways?

perhaps i cannot, but i surely can love & miss the version of you

i once knew…

…

i grieve you,

not the woman you turned into

but the one you used to be

i grieve how i felt in the beginning

she was excited, happy, & full of love

ready to give it all to you

i miss her

the specks of softness i saw in myself

& in you

the laughs & jokes we shared

when you would go off on a tangent

about how i am your love, your life, your everything

the way i made you nervous

& you couldn’t maintain eye~contact with me

all the times you’d shout “hi baby!” when we got on the phone

with a smile you couldn’t contain

you were so excited to see me

which, from what you told me, was new for you

since you don’t really enjoy smiling all that much

i made you happy

at least in the very beginning

& i miss it dearly, if i can be honest here

…

it didn’t take long for you to wish for marriage with me

“your safe space is what i want to be”

a life together you promised me

to travel the world with me

our first stop~ colombia

we wrote down all the dates we wanted to go on together

in a shared note

“take baby to…”

who knew we wouldn’t make it

& the ones we did go on were riddled with arguments

a fight

feelings of not being loved properly

i just wish you had been honest with me

…

i go through periods of time where you don’t cross my mind

then it hits me all over again

since grief & healing are anything but linear

as we are approaching love day,

i remember how you were supposed to be my valentine

but that could never be

& soon it will be april,

the month we met

i don’t know if i will be able to bare it

& before i know it,

it will be my birthday

birthdays are already so hard for me

on the last one,

you got me my birthday cake

& sang me happy birthday on the phone

“the first of many” i thought…

mentally, physically, emotionally~

where will i be this year

as i ring in my solar return…?

…

i take it in strides,

i hold myself kindly

the way you were supposed to

remind myself it is okay to linger in grief 

if that is what i need

not rushing myself out of discomfort

for the true healing happens here

…

in my years of living,

i have learned that grief is not only assigned to death

but also for the loss of someone’s presence to you

even if they may very well be alive…

or the loss of what you deserved

you can grieve time stolen from you

items lost

what could have been

the life you thought you’d live

& so much more

well, i have been grieving 

in a state of mourning

& i have had to tenderly care for myself

the way she was supposed to

the way i cared for her

i wiped her tears

gave her tender kisses

never rushed her out of uncomfortable feelings

even if it affected me

because that is what you do for someone you claim to love

you hold them

& allow them to be

you rub their back while they cry

move her hair out of her face

& give her your shoulder

love…

you gave me a few tender moments i haven’t been able to forget

where i felt my most safe with you

how i miss it, & how i miss her

that version of me that was held

as the tears leave my eyes

& rush down my face, 

recalling those sweet memories,

i allow myself to stay right here

& love myself enough not to shame her

or shame these feelings

…

it all happened here,

in this very apartment

i met you here,

on my phone, states away

i fell in love with you here,

during our facetimes

we would set each other up 

& do our work

you would study for academy

i would do my writing

we would steal glances & just admire the other

& i remember so vividly

when the feelings of love first came up within me

& i know you felt it too

but we kept it unspoken for a time

until the very first time i said it to you

a few months later

in spanish~ “te amo” 

you couldn’t believe your ears,

& waited to make sure that is exactly what i said

you said it back, & we made precious love to each other

i held it in for so long,

waiting for the right time to utter those words to you

but it happened beautifully

how i reminisce…

wish i didn’t have to start over