Goddess

what’s on my mind & heart today?

i had a hard time sleeping last night

but i am up for class

my body woke me up at 7:30 a.m.

because she knew i wanted to get up at that time

even earlier actually

i value my morning time

before i meet the world

however, i changed my alarm to 8:30 a.m.

due to a sleepless night

rest is just as important as rituals

i almost tried going back to sleep

but i decided to get up

why not?

it’s gonna be a long day

truth

but here is my game plan

10:30-12:20 class

12:30-1:15 lunch

1:20-2:35 gym

2:45-3:15 coffee & read poetry

3:30-6:20 class

home by 7

just one more class this week

thursday morning

going to dinner & a show tomorrow night

should be fun

there is a smile that only exists in my memory

imbedded deep into the corners of my brain

untouched by the light

honestly the amount of times my ex crosses my mind astounds me…

all while living my life

going through the motions

those smiling eyes were the theme of my spring

blessed my life with a love so pure

i truly believed it

told me the right words

knew just how to get me to fall

in love

untrue

in a trap

…

my mind runs through the events

my current events

my past events

like thinking about them will help me change history

as if i could have done anything differently

& as if me acting differently would have warranted different treatment

untrue

& as if my behavior was the problem

untrue

times i wish i’d left sooner…

maybe the first time she raised her voice at me

policing the natural reactions of someone being mistreated

as if i am a child

we get home

i go upstairs

i pull out my bags

& begin to pack

perhaps the first time she walked away from me

& left me in tears

confused

abandoned me just like mother & father

when i needed them the most

i go upstairs

grab my bags

& begin to pack

what about when i found out she was married

i keep the plane ticket

i don’t cancel it

i don’t let her manipulate me once again

i get my bags out

& begin to pack

& i don’t stop

until everything i own is out of this so~called home

i put on my headphones

cancel out the noise

call my sister

tell her 

i’m leaving

even while my ex can hear

embarrassed

maybe begging me to stop

or letting it happen

she is too proud to show she cares

& that she wants me

that she needs me

no love i have for another is stronger than the love i have for myself

my motto

i live by it

i always did

in this fantasy

if only i didn’t give her 150 days of my life

i should’ve hung it up before we had even met physically

when you were having doubts

& projecting onto me

my happiness

sadness seeped

i felt a lack of peace

knew we weren‘t aligned

i wanted love

but at what cost?

perhaps i feel that i failed myself

that i am to blame for my pain

truth~ if i had left sooner,

maybe things wouldn’t hurt as much now

did i forget i dealt with a master manipulator?

knew exactly when to lower her voice

to give me the illusion of safety

did breathing exercises with me

when my anxiety was too high

brought me flowers

even if they weren’t the ones i liked

never carefully picked

i could tell

got me gold jewelry

even though i’m a silver girl

told me

“i knew i could get you back”

after i broke up with her the second time

because 3 is the amount of chances i gave

but in reality, so many more

everyday i stayed

was another chance

for change

the change i was promised

my self~respect was low it seems

untrue

i feel such anger now

truth

where is the justice for my past~self?

my current~self?

who do i have to blame

besides myself…

…

see, it’s not her i think about

her image comes up, yes

but it’s the experiences

all the happenings that lead to our ending

our so~called relationship

was a mentorship

a survival

a battlefield i shall never return to

but my mind visits it

once or twice

multiple times

to rewrite the story

to regain control i had relinquished at the time

waking up from trauma

is like waking up from a living nightmare

you realize so much

you grieve too much

of what was lost

of what was taken

of what you gave away

maybe that last one hurts the most

because a part of me still believes

i could’ve avoided it all

at least most of it

the worst of it

but i lived through it

& suffered the consequences heavily

it took me 5 months to heal

i will never get my last 10 months back

it is gone forever

truth

but i guess the lessons learned & wisdom gleaned are forever, too

truth

…

our love slowly turned into a horror film

the one where you’re begging the main character

to run!

to get away!

didn’t i tell you?

i hate scary movies