Goddess

what’s on my mind & heart today?

i had a hard time sleeping last night, to be honest with you,

tossing & turning

waiting for the sweet escape of sleep to consume me

& take me away for a while

sleep alluded me for some obscure reason

but my body woke me up at 7:30 a.m.

freaky how bodies do that…

my body knew i wanted to rise at that time

have my quiet morning time

before the world creeps in

i even changed my alarm to 8:30

to try to get a bit more shuteye

rest is just as important as rituals, i say

but i am up now

might as well begin my day

here is my game plan

10:30~12:20 actor & character class

lunch after, until about 1

head to the gym

stay until 2:30~3

then go to my coffee shop

get my vanilla latte & read poetry until about 3:30

3:40~6:20 poetry literature class

my favorite class

then home by 7

just one more class this week

thursday morning

“lovely,” i think to myself

& i begin my skincare routine

closing my eyes

as i slowly & softly layer the creams & serums

i can feel it

sleep wants to take over me

something begins to rise within me

there is a smile that only exists in my memory

imbedded deep into the corners of my brain

untouched by the light

i open my eyes & it goes away

going to dinner & a show tomorrow night

should be fun, i am looking forward to it

honestly the amount of times my ex crosses my mind astounds me…

all while living my life

going through the motions

she won’t leave

the skincare has begun seeping into my skin

trapping me

those smiling eyes were the theme of my spring

the year past

blessed my life with a love so pure

i truly believed

told me the right words

knew just how to get me to fall 

in love

untrue

in a trap

oh my…

save me!

…

my mind runs through the events

the current ones of my quiet soft~life

my past events, mostly

they hover over me like a doom & gloom

like thinking about them will help me change history

as if i could have done anything differently…

untrue

as if that would have made her treat me any better…

untrue

is my curse to believe i was the problem?

my body

still physically in that realm

caged

she wishes to escape it, i assure you

just how i wish i had escaped that horror show of a “relationship“

much sooner than i did

the times i wish i’d left sooner…

maybe the first time she raised her voice at me

as if i am a child

didn’t you say you’d be kind & gentle with me?

we get home

i go upstairs

i pull out my bags

& begin to pack

perhaps the first time she walked away from me

& left me in tears

confused

didn’t you say you’d protect my heart?

i go upstairs

grab my bags

& begin to pack

what about when i found out she was married!

through a bitter ex disguised as a girl’s girl, no less

a saving grace or simple revenge,

i do not know, i do not even care

but i keep the plane ticket i purchased

as soon as i found out

i don’t cancel it this time

didn’t you say you would always be honest with me?

i get my bags out

& begin to pack

& i don’t stop

until everything i own is out of this so~called promise of a home

i put on my headphones

cancel out the noise

call my sister

tell her 

i’m leaving

even while my now~ex can hear

embarrassed

maybe begging me to stop

or letting it happen

she is too proud to show she cares

& that she wants me

that she needs me

all while the tears stream down one or both of our faces

i don’t let it stop me

after the call, i play kali uchis’ orquideas

“te mata” y “perdiste” blasting my ears

the words piercing through reality

my life now mirroring these songs perfectly

por que eso ya pasó, y esa ya no soy yo

y si eso me hace mal, pues diabla es lo que soy

me perdiste, que triste

tiene que doler, pero nunca volveré

no love i have for another is ever stronger than the love i have for myself

my motto

i live by it

i always did

in this fantasy of my dreams

i am the heroine, the woman admired & idealized by my courage

if only i had had more strength when writing these stories out

in real time…

that plane ticket?

cancelled

those bags?

put away

my heart?

bruised beyond repair

if only i didn’t give her so many days of my sacred life

i should’ve hung it up before we had even met

physically

before our bodies touched

& you learned my scent

before we familiarized ourselves with one another’s company

when you were having doubts already

& projecting onto me

my happy, my bliss

sadness seeped 

i felt a lack of peace

a facade

now i see it all clearly

knew we weren‘t aligned

i wanted love so dearly

& look what is cost me…

was it worth it?

perhaps i feel that i failed myself

that i am to blame for my pain

true~ if i had left sooner,

maybe things wouldn’t hurt as much now

but she was smart

is like waking up from a nightmare

knew exactly when to lower her voice

to give me the illusion of safety

of that home i so desired

called me “baby” & “my love”

to lull me back to sleep

& re~enter the dream~disguised living nightmare

where she is the perfect one for me

did breathing exercises with me

when my anxiety would rise

& i thought to myself

she cares & i can’t help rest

brought me flowers

even if they weren’t the ones i liked

never carefully picked

i could tell

surprised me one time

with ample amounts of gifts

~yes, after a fight~

among them gold jewelry

even though i’m a silver girl

half the things i didn’t even like

this girl did not know me

but she must’ve known of me

the words “i knew i could get you back” meeting my ears

after i broke up with her the second time

because 3 is the amount of chances i gave

but in reality, so many more

my big heart, so i call it,

winning out almost every time

the change i was assured would happen

held 5 feet in front of me

dangled like some candy

always promised, never fulfilled

my self~respect was low it seems

untrue

i feel such anger as it all hits me now

true

where is the justice for my past~self?

what about for my current~self?

who do i have to cast blame on

besides myself…

…

our so~called love

was a survival

a battlefield

i shall never return to

but my mind visits it

once or twice

multiple times

to rewrite the story

to seek justice

to regain control i had relinquished at the time

waking up from it all

you realize so much

it slowly dawns on you as you go about your day

the epiphanies hitting you like gunshots to the heart

then you begin to bleed out

clutching your chest

for dear life…

you begin to grieve

what was lost,

what was taken,

& what you willingly gave away

maybe that last one hurts the most

because a part of me still believes

i could’ve avoided it all

at least most of it

the worst of it in the end

when all pretenses had fallen

& she was no longer scared to show me her truest self

there was no image to uphold anymore

she had no one to win over any longer

she had gotten me

i had fallen into her ludicrous trap

i lived through it, to the very end

& suffered the consequences heavily

i will never get my time back

it is gone forever

true

but i guess the lessons learned & wisdom gleaned are forever, too

also true

…

our love slowly turned into a horror film

the one where you’re begging the main character

to run!

to get away!

to never turn back…

didn’t i tell you?

i hate scary movies