Goddess

i remember as a child feeling such excitement for the first day of school

i would never be able to sleep the night before

i loved going to school & learning

over the years the happiness about it dwindled

slowly it became a drudge to go

this was when bullies & mean kids entered the scene

it about took my love for education away

rumors about me would spread like wildfire

children would laugh at me

suddenly i didn’t want to be in school or at home

where was my safe space?

i would hang out with friends

& slowly it seemed that, too, was a goner

i did my best, put on a smile

tried to keep my head down in nervous situations

got involved in dance & music

choir was such an enjoyment in middle school

but there were mean girls there, too

u could not escape it

i cannot look back on my years of upbringing in fondness

it isn’t regret either, i didn’t do anything wrong

it is how society simply is, it seems

i wish my parents had done a better job of providing a warm & loving home

at least then i would enjoy going somewhere

& i could tell them about my troubles, & maybe they would help

…

funnily enough, i almost forgot~

there was one time where my mom noticed i was sad after a basketball game

she begged it out of me to tell her what happened

i eventually gave in & told her about the mean girl

she turned the car around & had a stern talking to with her

i don’t think i had ever felt so protected

the girl never spoke to me again, which was fine with me

i guess my parents did really try their best

even if it wasn’t enough

…

as i prepare for my first day back at school~ senior year in college,

i think back on that time & think of how much i have grown

& how i no longer need my parents to fight my battles

sure, i needed them to learn how to regulate my nervous system as a kid

& to love & protect me, 

but that is my job now & i took it on years ago

u grieve what u could have had, of course

however, u also know that is in the past & one can never go back

not that it would change things anyway

i rose early to have plenty of time to write this,

& make my bed, do my skincare, make my coffee

there is something about the quiet morning hours, after all

where everything is still, u are to yourself

& u haven’t spoken to a single human being

u can take your time here, & it is such a peace

maybe i outgrew enjoying school as a child

but i regained it as an adult because now i get to go to classes & truly enjoy what i study

the people are actually nice because they, too, want to be there & enjoy what they do

so now, i am excited, & i have a wonderful schedule this semester

my tuesdays are my long days, with 3 classes, but they are fun~

acting & character, comedy, & poetry!

no classes monday, hallelujah

i do have to take a math & science this semester, but i am sure all will be well

the science i am taking is online at your own pace, how marvelous

the math is once again week, i can survive that

no classes fridays either, this may be my best semester yet

let us see!

…

i picked out my outfit last night,

know exactly the makeup i will do~ natural, blush, gloss, mascara

my hair is done, the curls are bouncy

my backpack is ready

headphones charged

ipad & apple watch charged

i am prepared for the best first day back to classes

…

the loveliest thing about it all is i have the safest of places to come home to

my very own home

which i have carefully & with much love & care made it homey

everything is aesthetic about it & peaceful

only my favorite colors around

the right ambient lighting, my sweet things where i need them

like my spiritual oils, my books, my journal, my flowers

it is truly perfect

i will always be grateful for this home, it is where i did so much of my healing

so much growth happened here, changes, transformations

it is almost sad it is my last year here

but i know it is time to move on

we must let go at one point

december 31st, 2026 will be my last day here

thank u for the memories

i enjoy u for now

i still have 11 months, do i not?

<333